New Life for the Abandoned – Do They Know Love?
You may not even realize you have abandonment issues.
As soon as you decide to do something to make your life better, life (this can be in general or people) will start throwing up roadblocks. The job is to keep you small so you don’t realize how big you really are or can be. They keep you in fear so you continue to experience yourself as a mere mortal when you are actually a spiritual being having a human experience. The naysayers tell you all the ways you’re not good enough to get what you say you want.
The most common issue is abandonment. I call this a theme of: Nobody likes me, and the people who love me will leave me. Abandonment is responsible for all the stories you have about being abandoned or rejected, and there are hundreds if not thousands of stories of abandonment.
Abandonment is really just trying to keep you safe from heartbreak. It thinks that if you keep your heart closed, nobody will be able to abandon or reject you. The problem is that abandonment is wrong: A closed heart is a broken heart.
The only way to stay safe from heartbreak is to open your heart all the way. If you’re willing to take in the lesson of the heartbreak, you’ll learn how to open your heart wider.
Here are five of the main ways abandonment shows up in people’s lives:
1. You look for flaws.
When you find someone who might be a good partner, you start looking for their faults. You look for what’s wrong instead of what’s right. Nobody ever breaks up with you because you don’t give them a chance. You’re always the one to leave. I once was on this exact path. In fact, the man of my dreams and my soul mate I almost did this exact thing. I was falling for him and instead of risking a broken heart I almost ran away from the only man I have ever loved. I had friends that said, “Jyl…. just go day by day and give him a chance”. Then I went to a card reader that said the same thing. Everyone said it, but my mind and heart did struggle with it. Good news though… I am happily married to the man now :).
2. People think you’re shy or reserved.
You’re hard to get to know because you don’t trust people. You’re afraid that if you let someone in, you’ll be hurt. So you end up lonely instead.
3. You fall hard and fast, over and over again.
4. You love the chase.
You’re really attracted to someone when you’re trying to catch them, but once you’re in the relationship you get bored. You withdraw emotionally, and your partner starts to think they’ve done something wrong. This is a common expression of abandonment issues in men.
5. You are a perfectionist.
If you resonate with any of these, the first step is to be gentle with yourself. Abandonment will start whispering in your ear that you don’t deserve anything better and that you don’t deserve to be loved. That is a lie, intended to keep you small.
All of us have at least one or two of these dynamics running in our lives. The most universal is the perfectionism one. Even if you don’t think of yourself as a perfectionist, try to notice where perfectionist tendencies show up in your life. Maybe you’re driven at work, and maybe you’re obsessive about your body. Both are perfectionist tendencies.